Next week’s double pope canonization extravaganza is creating a lot of
sainthood “buzz” in the air right now.
Therefore, I thought I’d offer some tips for sainthood.
First, Catholic dogma says the Communion of Saints includes official canonized
and beatified saints, anybody in heaven, and all believers on earth. So, if you believe in Jesus, congratulations,
you’re already a saint! You can stop
reading now and go do something more productive.
However, this common, garden-variety sainthood does not land people on
religious trading cards and rarely results in statues being erected in your
honor, or churches, schools, and ritzy vacation spots being named after
you. If you’re going for that
high-profile, high-revenue type of sainthood, then keep reading.
I’ve been plowing through saint records and building a database to
catalog demographic information for well over 10% of the canonized and beatified
folks. If my calculations are correct,
the sampling I’ve done so far yields statistics with a 3.5% margin of error for
projections across the full canonized / beatified population. Good news, some of these statistics are so
skewed, the 3.5% margin of error is kitten’s play.
My advice if you want to be an officially recognized saint:
1. Be male. Based on my sample set, 84% of canonized and
beatified people were male. You might scratch
your head in confusion since 80% of the church’s work is done by women, and
women are over 50% of the world’s population.
This might seem backwards to you.
No, no…I beg of you; don’t let facts, equity and reality confuse you. If you insist on logic and equity, you
probably should stop reading now before you injure your brain or sense of
righteousness. That statistic simply reflects
church hierarchical members’ value system and helps us quantify it. They see men as being over five times more
virtuous and holy than women…end of story.
2. Be a priest, monk, or religious brother. About 60% of all official saints were ordained
or religious males. If we look at only
the male saints…that tiny 84% majority of all saints…the number jumps to around
70% who were ordained or religious. So
if you’re going to be male, be a priest too, to up your odds.
3. Be a bishop. 37% of saints
and 44% of male saints were bishops or abbots.
I know the cynics are probably starting to suspect that the
beatification and canonization process is simply a ruse for apostles to pat themselves
and their own kind on the back…sort of as a self-glorification thing. Again, let’s not get all hung up on
facts.
4. Be pope. Despite many papacies being riddled with
scandals including the criminal behaviors of soon-to-be-canonized John Paul II
in aiding and abetting child rapists, about 1/3 of all popes throughout the
entirety of history have become saints.
To put this in perspective, let’s look at the ratio of saints across the
full sea of Catholics. Since I can’t
find a statistic for the number of Catholics throughout all time, we’ll use the
number for today’s 1.2 billion Catholics, knowing this will yield disproportionately
high ratios.
Using the number of saints
across all history and current number of Catholics, we see that less than one one-thousandth
of a percent of Catholics are canonized or beatified and less than 1/3 of one
one-thousandth of a percent of laypeople are canonized or beatified. This is compared to over 1/3 of popes being
canonized or beatified. The decimal
place simply shifts five positions to the right for popes…a small factor of
100,000. If you thought the statistic for
bishop-saints reflected a mutual-admiration society, then you now realize it is
simply a gentle air-kiss compared to the emphatic bear-hug of self-admiration
amongst the popes.
5. Be Italian or French. About
22% and 17% of saints were from the geographic regions now called Italy and
France respectively. Again, please don’t
be confused by the fact that Italian and French Catholics each represent only about
5% of the Catholic population. If God
evenly distributed saints, Brazil with 16% of the Catholic population would have
16% of the saints instead of the 4 tenths of one percent of saints that it actually
has.
Canonization and beatification are expensive businesses and though
Brazil is swimming in Catholics, the per capita income is about a third and a
quarter of Italy’s and France’s per capita income levels respectively. Brazilians seem to be spending their money on
frivolities like food, shelter, clothing, and healthcare instead of
canonization and beatification…and these skewed priorities really show in their
saint numbers.
The same is true in
Mexico with almost 10% of all Catholics yet less than 1% of Catholic saints, as
well as the Philippines with about 7.5% of Catholics yet less than one tenth of
one percent of saints. You guessed it:
Mexico’s and the Philippines’ per capita incomes are lower than even Brazil’s.
Let's face it; the popes seem to believe it's more difficult to imitate Christ whilst walking and living amongst poor people. No wonder we have so many bishop mansions...two in my diocese...one for the active and emeritus bishops each. They are simply trying to increase their chances for sainthood by fleeing the impoverished.
I know you might be thinking, "...but didn't Jesus walk amongst the poor...matter of fact...wasn't Jesus one of the poor?" Yeah, yeah, yeah...but that guy could walk on water, too. Let's give the bishops a fighting chance and let them live where people can better afford virtuous behavior or at least better afford to pay for creating images of virtuous behavior.
6. Be a Benedictine. Saints from
Benedictine religious orders are outpacing the next most prevalent order at a
six to one ratio.
7. If you insist on being female…which
really craters your chances of sainthood…then for heaven’s sake, do not have
sex, or if you do, be of royal birth. 70% of female saints were nuns or virgins
and only a paltry 5% of saints were females who were neither nuns, virgins, or royalty. This compares to 25% of saints that were
males who were neither ordained, religious or royalty. Again, we have laymen outpacing laywomen at a 5 to 1 ratio in the virtuous category.
But you see, many of those virtuous, holy non-ordained men were soldiers who killed
in the name of Jesus, the Prince of Peace.
Perhaps this is why we have St. Adrian as the patron saint of arms
dealers…who knew we needed a patron saint of arms dealers…. But, I digress. If you’re going to insist on being a
sexually active female, your best chances for canonization might be to carry a
weapon. It worked for Joan of Arc but
then she was burned at the stake as a heretic…and I think maybe she was a
virgin too. Oh, never mind… Let's face it; sexually active women, are pretty much screwed when it comes to vying for sainthood.
Let me paint an even clearer picture as to the value the church hierarchy
ascribes to women and their work via the canonization process. The stats show us the popes believe:
- Men are 5 times more virtuous and holy than any woman
- Men are about 17 times more virtuous than sexually active women
- Popes are over 270,000 times more virtuous and holy than any woman
- Popes are over 860,000 times more virtuous and holy than sexually active women
Hence, we see John Paul II, a man whose criminal neglect enabled the
rape of thousands of children, being canonized next week while Mother Teresa,
who merely imitated Christ by caring for the poorest of the poor, still awaits
canonization. At least Mother Teresa was
an avowed religious woman so her chances of making full sainthood are
exponentially better than those of any mother who actually bore and raised
children.
8. If you can time your death,
try to die on May 1st. There
seem to be over 1.5 times more saints who died on May 1st than who
died on the next most common date for saints’ deaths.
So, I think the optimal saint profile is this: Italian male Benedictine pope (or bishop) who dies on May 1st. It also helps to either have a lot of wealth
or hang-out with wealthy people who can fund your canonization process. Oddly enough, aside from the date of death dimension,
that bears striking resemblance to the people who canonize and beatify people…hmmm. Interesting.
Do you think the list of canonized saints accurately reflects the most
holy and virtuous people in history? Do
you care? Does the heavy skew towards canonizing hierarchy members expose a deep brokenness in them that they feel the need to memorialize their herd in this way? Do we help fuel the
canonization industry? Should we?
Bonus question for the hierarchy: If you are concerned about the societal devaluation of motherhood, should you perhaps be first examining your behaviors towards women and mothers? Do you treat them even as good as secular society does?
A little Easter levity for you. Easter joy this day and always!
A little Easter levity for you. Easter joy this day and always!
